Chapter One THE SECRET I LEARNED THE secret of basketball while lounging at a topless pool in Las Vegas. As I learned the secret, someone's bare breasts were staring at me from just eight feet away. The person explaining the secret was a Hall of Famer who once vowed to beat me up and changed his mind only because Gus Johnson vouched for me. (Do I tell this story? Yes. I tell this story.) Come back with me to July 2007. My buddy Hopper was pushing me to accompany him for an impromptu Vegas trip, knowing that I wouldn't turn him down because of my Donaghy-level gambling problem. I needed permission from my pregnant wife, who was perpetually ornery from (a) carrying our second child during the hot weather months in California and (b) being knocked up because I pulled the goalie on her back in February.1 But here's why I'm an evil genius: with the NBA Summer League happening at the same time, I somehow convinced her that ESPN The Magazine wanted a column about Friday's quadruple-header featuring my favorite team (the Celtics), my favorite rookie (Kevin Durant), and the two Los Angeles teams (Clippers and Lakers). "I'll be in and out in thirty-six hours," I told her. She signed off and directed her anger at the magazine for making me work on a weekend. (I told you, I'm shrewd.) I quickly called my editor and had the following exchange. me: I don't have a column idea this week. I'm panicking. neil (my editor): Crap. I don't know what to tell you, it's a dead month. (A few seconds of silence ensues.) me: Hey, wait...isn't the NBA Summer League in Vegas right now? neil: Yeah, I think it is. What would you write about, though? me: Lemme see what the schedule is for Friday. [I spend the next 20 seconds pretending to log onto NBA.com and look this up.] Oh my God-- Clippers at 3, Celtics at 5, Lakers at 6, Durant and the Sonics at 7! You have to let me go! I can get 1,250 words out of that! [Neil doesn't respond.] Come on--Vegas? The Celtics and Durant? This column will write itself! neil (after a long sigh): "Okay, fine, fine." Did I care that he sounded like I had just convinced him to donate me a kidney? Of course not! I flew down on Friday, devoured those four games and joined Hopper for drunken blackjack until the wee hours.2 The following morning, we woke up in time for a Vegas Breakfast (16-ounce coffee, bagel, large water), then headed down to the Wynn's lavish outdoor blackjack setup, which includes: 1.Eight blackjack tables surrounding one of those square outdoor bars like the one where Brian Flanagan worked after he fled to Jamaica in Cocktail. Once you've gambled outdoors, your life is never quite the same. It's like riding in a convertible for the first time. 2.Overhead mist machines blowing cool spray so nobody overheats, a crucial wrinkle during the scorching Vegas summer, when it's frequently over 110 degrees outside and 170 degrees in every guy's crotch. 3.A beautiful European pool tucked right behind the tables. Just so you know, "European" is a fancy way of saying, "It's okay to go topless there."3 If there's a better male bonding experience, I can't think of one. For our yearly guys' trip one month earlier, we arrived right before the outdoor area opened (11:00 a.m.) and played through dinner. For the first three hours, none of the sunbathers was willing to pull a Jackie Robinson and break the topless barrier, so we decided the Wynn should hire six strippers to go topless every day at noon (just to break the ice) and have their DJ play techno songs with titles like "Take Your Tops Off," "Come On, Nobody's Looking," "We're All Friends Here," "Unleas Excerpted from The Book of Basketball: The NBA According to the Sports Guy by Bill Simmons All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
