From Honestly Ben : My pulse went rogue on me. Wild, crazy, strange, nonsyncopated beats. I felt my heart soar, and then plunge, and then soar again. I hadn't been pulled toward Toby and Albie; subconsciously it was Rafe I'd wanted to see, and that was just crazy. I slowed my pace but continued walking, and there was Rafe, illuminated by the moonlight, all bundled up, about six inches below the powder surface. He was making a snow angel. He was wearing the same bright red jacket and black hat he'd worn when we'd gone skiing in Colorado over Thanksgiving. I flashed on Rafe skiing in front of me, his legs moving from side to side like a pendulum while his upper body stayed totally still. On the long chairlift rides, his visible breath dissipated into the cold mountain air, while everything around us felt crisp and clear and right. It had been one of the happiest days of my life. But that was then. Now my insides were all messed up about it, and I knew if I let myself feel even a little bit of that it would be a lot, and I didn't have room for a lot anymore. I wished I could just disappear. "Snow angels have no place in an igloo community," Toby said. "Maybe igloos have no place in a snow angel community," Rafe yelled. I shifted my frigid legs, and it made a sound, and I silently cursed my stupid, thick body. Toby looked over, and he gave a tiny, tentative wave. "I think there could be communities of snow angels that have yet to be discovered," Rafe said, hoisting himself up with his arms. That's when he saw me standing there, maybe fifteen feet away. Rafe smiled, a questioning smile, like, Can we be okay, please? No. Yes. No. I didn't know. Excerpted from Honestly Ben by Bill Konigsberg All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
