Part I Welcome to Our Perfect World Chapter 1 'What's Wrong with Perfectionism?' A few weeks after I started work on this project, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. When he asked what I was up to, I said I was doing research for a book on perfectionism. He just stared at me. 'What's wrong with perfectionism?' he asked. Several others have posed similar inquiries, occasionally continuing with a tirade on shoddy workmanship and terrible customer service--as though that were the only alternative. 'If you ask me [I didn't], we need a whole lot more perfectionism,' one individual insisted. Oh, silly people. Of course we don't. There is a very big difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Dedicating ourselves to doing our best and aiming for continual improvement is healthy and desirable. Hiding our naturally flawed humanness behind a deceptive image of perfection is stressful, exhausting, and ultimately crazy-making. Oddly, the literature is all over the place on this topic. I've seen a dozen or so self-assessment quizzes--and at least as many definitions of perfectionism and lists of characteristics of perfectionistic people. Several theories tried to distinguish 'healthy perfectionism' from 'neurotic perfectionism,' often with an inventory of 'advantages' of perfectionism thrown in. These comments raised some major red flags for me. Considering the risks of equating our worth and adequacy with our ability to maintain an illusion of perfection, I see this distinction as frankly misleading and dangerous. So I want to be very clear about the basic premise on which this book is based: Perfectionism is not a good thing. I've witnessed (and experienced) its toxic and corrosive effects on our thinking, our bodies, our relationships, our work, and our sense of worth. It's a handy mask for a fear of making mistakes or being on the receiving end of negative judgments and rejection--a disordered adaptation to a need for safety, approval, and a sense of adequacy, driven by a belief system that tells us we're not good enough, don't have enough, or haven't achieved enough. It's the voice of the Inner Critic that screams 'failure,' 'loser,' or 'fraud,' regardless of the authenticity of our efforts, progress, or success. Paul Hewitt, a psychologist who has been researching perfectionism for decades, has little patience 'with researchers who argue that perfectionism--the need to be or appear perfect--can sometimes serve as a healthy motivation for reaching ambitious goals.' People who make that claim 'just ignore the fairly large literature that says that it's a vulnerability factor for unipolar depression, anorexia, and suicide,' he says.1 Hewitt's website includes a quote by poet Alfred de Musset that says, 'Perfection does not exist. To understand it is the triumph of human intelligence; the desire to possess it the most dangerous kind of madness.'2 Happily, the majority of contributors and researchers agree. 'Perfectionism is a wound,' writes psychologist Thomas Greenspon. 'It is never healthy, and it may never heal entirely.'3 Author Anne Lamott calls perfectionism 'the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you very scared and restless your entire life if you do not awaken and fight back.'4 Comedian Craig Ferguson observed in a television interview, 'I think perfectionism is a manifestation of self-hate.'5 And author and blogger Penelope Trunk finds it 'amazing that people admit to being perfectionists. To me, it's a disorder . . . Perfectionism messes you up. It also messes up the people around you.'6 Theologian F. Forrester Church views perfectionism through the lens of addiction, as dangerous and destructive as any substance or behavior. 'Whether it is for riches or thinness, fitness or knowledge or fame, the desire for perfection shuts out all other people and pleasures one by one. It is an addiction like cocaine: even more deadly in proportion to its purity.'7 And sociologist Christine Carter notes that 'perfectionism is not a happiness habit . . . As a recovering perfectionist I can testify that perfectionism is the absolute bane of happiness.'8 So this book is about what happens when our aspirations and self-concepts are defined by something artificial and unrealistic, something outside ourselves, something beside the pure joy of doing, creating, learning, or just being. Because whether perfectionism is motivated by a need for other people's approval, by an ego identification with some socially engineered fad, or as a matter of conditioning that impels us to self-impose expectations that are impossible to reach, the outcomes will invariably show up in a variety of problems based in chronic disappointment--with ourselves and others. It's Not the Same as Doing Our Best Few people would argue against the value of precision, care, and attention to detail in the services we receive--especially from people like mechanics, surgeons, or air traffic controllers, where an error could have life-or-death consequences. However, we're looking for ways to aspire to the highest possible levels of performance and being our best that don't conjure all the harmful, stressful, and destructive outcomes we see as tag-alongs to perfectionism. Weighing its purported usefulness against the hidden costs presumes that perfectionism is driven by a desire for accomplishment. It's not. There are no 'two sides' to perfectionism, as one contributor suggested. By its very nature, perfectionism reflects a dysfunction we don't see in even the most intensely disciplined pursuit of goals undertaken for the satisfaction inherent in the process of pursuing them. Rather, perfectionism is about everything that tells us that who we are is not good enough, along with our willingness to accept that message (consciously or unconsciously), and the lengths to which we go to try to change or compensate for a core belief in our own inadequacy. There are lots of ways perfectionism can express itself, but at its center is fear, fragmentation, and a deep, pervasive sense of emptiness. I understand that the waters can get kind of murky because we're probably all extra fussy about certain things. But is the fact that my mother would be more likely to leave the house in her underwear than without making her bed an issue of perfectionism, or simply the outcome of a lifelong habit and routine? When a friend assessed her 16-year-old daughter's anger about getting a B+ as an indication of the girl's perfectionism, her daughter's insistence that she had done all the work required for an A suggested a desire for justice and fairness, not an inability to live with an error or a less-than-perfect grade. Educator Beti Wyn Holcomb shared, 'Perfectionism is unattainable, but it's a goal we often strive to achieve.' Instead, she recommends setting high standards and taking steps toward success, tackling successive challenges along the way. Effort, progress, and achievements are simply parts of the process of growth and learning, which will invariably involve mistakes, setbacks, and even failure at times. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to accepting the value of this process is a relentless cultural tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking, which makes it hard to recognize the difference between making a mistake and being one. So I can understand how, in this context, someone might hear my insistence on pathologizing perfectionism as a celebration of mediocrity. Please believe me: there is a healthy alternative. I will always advocate for things like hard work, a desire to do the very best we can do, and a hunger for learning, growing, and continual improvement. But I see nothing remotely positive or wholesome about perfectionism, and believe that the descriptions of what others refer to as 'healthy perfectionism' would, in most cases, fall more comfortably under the heading of 'healthy striving for excellence' instead. I also believe that there is a place beyond our search for perfection in which we can connect with a deep level of wholeness and authenticity, within ourselves and others--a place where we can appreciate our best efforts, imperfect though they may be. This is no small task, and it will require us to recognize and move beyond the distracting, distorting layers of superficiality and illusion that we encounter everywhere we turn. 1 Paul Hewitt, quoted in Etienne Benson, 'The Many Faces of Perfectionism.' Posted November 2003 (Vol. 34, No. 10, print page 18) on the American Psychological Association website http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/manyfaces.aspx . 2 Alfred de Musset, quoted on Paul Hewitt's Perfectionism and Psychopathology Lab website http://hewittlab.psych.ubc.ca . 3 Thomas Greenspon, ''Healthy Perfectionism' Is an Oxymoron,' Journal of Secondary Gifted Education , Prufrock Press (Vol. 11, No. 4): 197-208. Posted on the Davidson Institute website. No date, http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10486.aspx . 4 Anne Lamott, Facebook post, May 12, 2014. https://www.facebook.com/AnneLamott/posts/485327514930230?fref=nf . 5 Craig Ferguson. Quote from an interview on August 8, 2014 on his television program, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS). 6 Penelope Trunk, 'Perfectionism Is a Disease. Here's How to Beat It.' Posted on Penelope Trunk's website, Oct. 19, 2010. http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2010/10/19/bnet-column-perfectionism-is-a-disease-heres-how-to-beat-it . 7 F. Forrester Church, quoted in Lata Jagtiani, 'The Trap of Perfectionism.' Posted June 26, 2002 on the Boloji website. http://www.boloji.com/index.cfm?md=Content&sd=Articles&ArticleID=3218 ; also quoted in Kelly Ann Haker, 'The Ultimate Price for Perfection: The Relationship Between Suicidal Ideation and Perfectionism.' Posted Oct. 10, 2008, on the Vanderbilt University website. http://healthpsych.psy.vanderbilt.edu/2008/PerfectionismSuicide.htm . 8 Christine Carter, 'Perfectionism Is a Disease.' Posted August 30, 2008 on the Greater Good website http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/perfectionism_is_a_disease . 2015 Jane Bluestein. All rights reserved. Reprinted from The Perfection Deception: Why Striving to Be Perfect Is Sabotaging Your Relationships, Making You Sick, and Holding Your Happiness Hostage . No part of is publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442. Excerpted from The Perfection Deception: Why Trying to Be Perfect Is Sabotaging Your Relationships, Making You Sick, and Holding Your Happiness Hostage by Jane Bluestein All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. 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